Steady

Two days after we came home

"Steady". That was my plan for the wait during Coraline's operation, and for when we first saw her afterwards and for the days after in hospital. That's just how I was, to my surprise. I think the care we received supported it. Kev and I were a real team, each balancing the other in our ways of being. Home within a week! Wow.

Contrary, intractable. That's how I was the day after we got home. I hadn't even thought about this part. Perhaps Coraline felt more fragile or vulnerable to me after the operation than before somehow (though that is the opposite of reality, as the operation means she can now "go get 'em"). The idea of keeping her well afterwards as she recovered, and picking her up in a special way, somehow led me to worry. More so than I had in the first nine months of her life when we were asked to keep her well (which entailed real supervision on our part). Kevin himself wasn’t worried, he just knew she was fine.

“Just feel the worry," said Kevin. My old lifecoach @sophia_davis_coach who came to visit us and Coraline, said, "hold your hand against where you feel the worry in the body and feel it thoroughly, sit with it, until you reach a place of safety within it". I think it's a key lesson to fully feel your feelings, whatever they are, fully feel them and they pass through. kev has oft said this to me. And you actually feel a sense of peace. By feeling into worried, literally 'feeling' worried, I felt a sense of steadiness again and a real liberation too.

Recently, when Coraline’s Cardiologist said she was doing very well, I could see Kevin had been right, she was fine. She said we could do whatever we pleased by the end of December. “Really?” “We can go anywhere?” “We can do anything?” I kept asking. It all feels so free. I just said to Kevin now, how would you describe how I was behaving the day after we got home. “A mum” he said.

Thank you @londrinolondon for the thoughtful, beautiful homecoming balloons 🎈❤️.