Feeling the Feelings and Expectations

The Emotional impact of learning our baby had Down’s syndrome

It's like you're my mirror... I was in tears until about Thurs of the week Coraline was born (on Mon). I remember Kevin saying, "just feel the feelings, let them be, I know you will be fine as it's just like the mirror in our house, you're not good with change at first, and then you're fine after a couple of days, so I know you just need to get used to this".

A big thing Kevin has taught me is to feel your feelings fully. Don't try to stop them. If you feel them, they pass through. If you resist and enter into a dialogue with them with your mind, they persist.

Change

As regards the mirror, one night I had been to pregnancy yoga and Kevin had spent the whole evening sorting and tidying for the baby. He had proudly hung this mirror by the front door after finding it in a cupboard. I came home and the first thing I said was, "that looks awful, it looks ridiculous, it sticks out over the window".

However what happened was I got used to the mirror in a day or two, whilst the initial change to our house, or to my "just so" of things was too disruptive and I thought I'd never get used to it. Now I rather enjoy that it's like this as I pass it by. I suppose this is linked to expectations. I find that whenever I cling to an expectation of how something is meant to be, or the perfect vision I had for it, then I get into trouble as it is exhausting. I am also not entering into life's flow if I keep wanting things to adhere to some vision I had. And who is to say what perfect is.

My old life coach used to say, "what if whatever is happening right now is already perfect for you, it's just your thinking getting in the way". So I find that once I let go of expectations and go with what is, things begin to fall into place. I am not good with change at first and Kevin knows this! And he was right, by Thursday I was back and all in and joyous.

My life coach also said to me, years before Coraline arrived, "life is the surgeon and you're the assistant. You're trying to be the surgeon". Whilst we have noted that I have embraced the mirror, I was right wasn't I about how it looks 😄? There is no hook to hang it on vertically, he already told me.

Speaking of feeling your feelings, I remember I went to pregnancy yoga one Saturday morning a few weeks before birth, not to my usual Thursday night one. I remember bounding home to Kev & his friend who was over, brimming with the poem our teacher had read in class for us that day. It was called "The Guesthouse," by Rumi. I even insisted Kevin WhatsApp it to his friend after she left our house so she had a copy. I love Rumi anyway. We have a book of his poems in our very own "guesthouse" of our spare room at home.

It was also a coincidence I was at that Saturday class, not my usual Thursday one, as I wanted to see a girl there I had met at a workshop & she suggested we meet that Saturday as she goes then. Our teacher has a different theme for each class so the poem was particular for those at the Saturday class. So it was that I heard the poem. These lines rang particularly true for how I was feeling mid- last week after I had received the news that our child had Down’s syndrome:

Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.